9 May 2016

Prime Minister of Canberra's major press release 9/5/2016

With thanks to an article by Tom Ballard
My fellow Canberrans:
I stand before you today with a heavy heart and a steely determination. It is now abundantly clear that we must take drastic and definitive steps to secure our borders and defeat the evil forces we face.There's simply too much at stake for us to do nothing.

We Canberrans have been and are about to be swamped with unwelcome visitors particularly these conniving UEA's (unfortunately elected arrivals and hangers on) who have done nothing but bag Canberra at every opportunity and yet they want to take advantage of our generous spirit. Not to mention the largess of the electors who provide such perks as we mere mortals wouldn't believe.

They will stop at nothing to come here, trampling on press freedom, discrediting human rights organisations, capitalising on voters’ xenophobic fears, commissioning propaganda, bleating three word slogans and even kissing unwilling babies.(just think of it, strange people slobbering all over your child, yuk!)
Who knows how far they’re prepared to go? As I understand it, some of them are more than willing to throw all their principles overboard for the sake of success.
These scheming “pollies” covet our superior way of life – our roundabouts, inland sea and colourful science museums not ot mention taxpayer-funded parliamentary pensions – and they employ nefarious tactics to gain passage to our shores.
They come to our shores with their vested interests and their blue ties, they do nothing but live off the public teat. They don’t assimilate, instead preferring to form ghettos made up of lodges and investment properties. It’s well known they’re a potential danger to the community: they’re more likely to commit crimes(eg. expenses rorts etc)than normal people or people seeking asylum.
Furthermore, once here, blessed with all the opportunities that the great city of Canberra affords them, they continue with their wicked ways to ensure their TEPs (temporary electoral periods) are renewed. They blatantly ignore the fact that there are innocent people setting themselves on fire in desperation because of their policies.
Today my government is announcing a new policy that will once and for all put an end to this armada of desperate people breaching our sovereignty by objectionable means.

From today, ANY politician who continues to speak double talk and does more backflips than a diver will not receive a single vote from the Australian public.
Any person running for federal public office who advocates for the cruel and unnecessary status quo will NOT, I REPEAT NOT be resettled in Canberra. They will NEVER be resettled in Canberra.  No way. Nope, nope, nope.
By dismantling the evil vote smugglers’ business model, we are sending a very clear message that the nation’s capital is not a soft target. We are taking the sugar off the table and the milk as well, we are saying that if you want to come here and govern the country, by Jove you’d better not do it by manipulating the public’s fears and by appealing to the worst elements of our nature.
We are warning all bus drivers , pilots and chauffeurs, you will be treated as people smugglers unless they can prove that they were conned into believing these people were genuine people.

Now you may question our resolve, you just try it, go on try it. All our ports are closed to you,  you will be turned back.  If necessary, some may have to be detained without charge in political limbo until they can be successfully resettled in another, lesser city, such as Newcastle or Devonport, where they can try to assimilate and begin new lives as business consultants or second-hand car dealers.
This will no doubt be far from ideal for these people, but these are the policy settings we need to address this crisis.
Now some may say that this policy, this "Anywhere But Canberra Solution", is too harsh.

Yes, it is a harsh policy, there’s no doubt about that. But as a strong leader and a devout Christian man, I know this is what must be done.

We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches of Lake Burley Griffin, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

Jesus knew there was a place for everything and it’s not necessarily everyone’s place to come to Canberra.

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