3 Jun 2016

A letter from Miss Australia(Australia) to her suitors.Who to choose?

Dear Lord Turnbull and Mr Shorten,
I hope you will forgive me for writing to you both, but the reason may become clear from what I have to say. I confess that my parents had to force me to read your letters. I do appreciate your ardent expressions of your desire for my affections, although I did find your extremely long lists of reasons, regarding why I should logically choose you as my husband, somewhat administrative and unromantic in tone.
To be perfectly honest with you both, I am surprised by your presumption that I have been actively considering your competing claims for my hand for some time. In truth, I was barely aware of your existence until Papa and Mama recently started discussing your relative merits at the dinner table. Even then I could hardly discern a difference. I understand that you, Lord Turnbull, own a coal mine and you, Mr Shorten, were once an "organiser" of coal miners. However, your apparent passion for matters coal-related does not appeal to me at all; it all seems quaintly 19th Century to me but I prefer to look forward to a world of greener aspect.
Which brings me to Captain Green, who you appear to detest in equal measure. Yes, I am well aware that, while dashingly handsome, he possesses no social connections or apparent financial means. I choose to ignore the whiff of scandal to which you both allude but decline to describe.
I may be inexperienced, but I do find it appealing when a man looks me in the eye when he speaks and when he uses language I can comprehend. You speak of my youth as if it is a curse; he talks to me of things about which I actually care. I don't know if what he says is right; some of it sounds unlikely. Still, I feel something when I am in his presence which I cannot imagine ever experiencing in yours.
As for Mr Xenopohon - I am compelled to say that your comments regarding him upset me greatly. Being "foreign" is not, in my view, a disqualifying characteristic for entry into polite company. You may dismiss him because he has a funny-sounding name; I would prefer to take everyone as they come. Your, to be frank, xenophobic outlook, does neither of you credit and only drives me further from having any interest in whatever it is you wish to say to me.
I am, as you say, very young. I do not wish to commit to anybody just yet, but I should make it clear that, if you wanted to ensure that I never committed to either of you, you are going the right way about it.
Yours etc
Miss Australia

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