An anxiety-burdened Malcolm Turnbull has ordered a supersonic private jet to remain on standby at Hamburg airport during his visit to Germany for the G20, its motors running and its pilots on 24-hour alert.
High-level sources refer to the jet as the "Barnaby and Tony Emergency Express".
Should Barnaby Joyce, who is acting prime minister while Turnbull is absent from Australia, or Tony Abbott, who is thought to have stopped taking his pills, so much as utter another word. Then Malcolm will offer urgent apologies to his G20 hosts and jump an Uber Black Tesla direct to the airport.
"We've calculated that if we ignore the scaredy-cat rules about skirting airspace around places like Iraq and Afghanistan, we should be back in Canberra just in time to save the last sticks of furniture," a Turnbull confidant confided.
"We're not sure whether anything will save our trading relationship with China if Barnaby breaks the locks on the cell we've erected in his office, of course.
"With Tony, it's a little easier because everyone knows he's, shall we say, a disturbed soul.