9 Jul 2012


Events of the Chap Olympiad

Cucumber Sandwich Discus: Individuals must hurl a cucumber sandwich on a china plate, with this year’s added handicap of a side order of potato crisps
Ironing Board Surfing: Contestants mount their ironing boards and are carried over the finishing line by their butlers and housekeepers
Hop, Skip and G&T: Athletes must complete all three disciplines, with the emphasis on maintaining a full tumbler of gin and tonic by the end
Umbrella Jousting: In the medieval tradition, chaps on bicycles approach each other along a boundary and use their brollies to knock each other off, protected by Bowler hats and reinforced copies of the Daily Telegraph
Three-Trousered Limbo: Pairs of contestants are strapped into huge pairs of double trousers, with three legs, and must stumble under a steadily-lowered limbo pole
Tug of Hair: Teams of ten tug at the tips of an enormous handlebar moustache, with the added handicap of slippery moustache wax
Bounders: A chap must say something so caddish to a lady that he receives a slap. The bounder with the reddest face, but the wryest smile, is the winner
Synchronised Slippages: In the Grand Olympic Paddling Pool, contestants must make an elegant display of tumbling, slipping and getting rather wet, as they attempt futilely to remain upright during their final few G and T drinks after an exhausting two days of Olympian efforts.
These chaps appear to be oblivious of the other upcoming event in London, they appear to overwhelmed with their own prowess and are not interested the mundane goings on that are proposed in field up the road in a few weeks.
They consider that their events are more appropriate for proper chaps, real chaps would not lower themselves to compete in such a commercial enterprise.

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