- Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
- My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
- We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
- I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
- Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
- Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
- The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
- Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
- Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
- Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
- There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic location shows a ghetto.
- Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
- Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the footpath before it stops snowing.
- My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
- I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
- It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
- I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
- You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
- I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
- My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
- I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
- I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
- If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
- Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
- His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
- My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
- A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
- The real reason your professor tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
- There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
- Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
- What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
- A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
21 Aug 2012
PHILLS DILLER.........THE END........SAD......REMEMBER THESE!
The mural on the side of the gun store proclaims: “A Savior is Born.” There’s a manger scene below the star of Bethlehem and windows fest...