The lucky stroke crippled me and gave me a new life. Now I'm just unbelievably good looking and modest. Always turn a little to the left.
23 Jan 2014
He may be the Prime Minister of Australia....BUT??????
He may be the Prime Minister of Australia, but Tony Abbott is proving to be a piss-poor 007 when it comes to the spying game and not much better at Diplomacy.
So here's a handy cut-out-and-keep guide on surveillance and diplomacy that even a PM could follow.
Know Your Enemies
No really. The very least you should do is to understand who is or isn't on your side before deciding who your 'marks' should be and remember what you say is as important as what you don't say.
I would say as a general rule, anyone with whom you are unlikely to go to war in the next ten years can probably be classed as allies. These will generally be countries without large reserves of oil. Anyone that doesn't fit that category could be a 'mark'.
Create A Plausible Back Story
You're going to need an alias. One that no-one would possibly question, let's say you were a boxer at university, therefore you would not be expected to be too bright, but you were in England which is useful. You did not come from a broken home and you had a background in university politics.
It is vitally important that you don't draw attention to yourself. People will soon start to be suspicious of grand gestures such as over generous parental leave, so don't mention war to often either, or the environment.
Manipulate Your Appearance
The art of disguise is one of the most powerful tools in your armoury. You will need to be able to transform yourself from over zealous fitness fanatic into a greying, sunken-eyed wreck faster than you can say 'second term.' You could also try wearing short-sleeved shirts occasionally or talking in an increasingly odd speech pattern, however you seem to be mastering an odd speech pattern already.
Gaining Secrets about the Opposition
The simplest way to learn really important secrets is by asking an Opposition member, or running a soft pencil over the writing pad of the person on whom you are spying, sometimes works. I was going to mention the internet but you must walk before you can run.
It's a good idea to make friends with Newspaper barons because they have vast resources, they can penetrate almost any security. Just remember you will have to pay them back one day. Don't be too disheartened if all you manage to reveal is a picture of a dancing penis with your face on it.
Stealing Evidence Undetected
Before you start rifling through people's personal items, make sure your own personal items are well hidden and remember where everything is positioned so that you leave no trace of your presence. So you should take a mental note of what Australia looked like before you came in and then you should return it to exactly the same state in which you found it.
Be Prepared To Travel
Being a good operative may mean going to places you normally wouldn't. Like Russia, China, Tasmania any other places you are requested to visit.
If Your Cover Is Blown
If you are caught in the act, why not try sticking your fingers in your ears, shutting your eyes, and going 'lalalalalalalalala'.
Then when forced into some kind of confession, whine like a scolded child and say that everyone else was doing it, so you don't see why you should be made an example of.
I think Tony that you will be alright if you follow these general guidelines. Good Luck Mate.