The lucky stroke crippled me and gave me a new life. Now I'm just unbelievably good looking and modest. Always turn a little to the left.
14 May 2017
Is this what the fly on the wall heard?
By Tim Fergusen LABOR BUDGET A SUCCESS AT LAST
Prime Minister Pro-Tem Malcolm Turnbull has praised Treasurer Scott Morrison for delivering the most popular Labor Party budget of all time. ‘Big spending, higher taxes, Gonski and the NDIS. We were going to introduce a mining tax, but we already have too much money.’
Morrison grinned proudly at Australia’s half-trillion dollar debt. He said, ‘Debt has gone from bad to good to wonderful.
DRUG TESTING FOR STONED BLUDGERS ONLY
The government insists drug-testing of welfare recipients will not be extended to politicians. ‘The wheels of Parliament will grind to a halt if we open that can of worms,’ said a jittery, sniffing backbencher. Hopping from foot to foot while sweating profusely, he asked reporters, ‘Seriously, who filled that tin can with worms? It’s freaking me out.’
Banks have responded to the federal government’s tax hike by threatening to squeeze their customers ‘even more than usual’.
Bankers Association CEO Anna Bligh said, ‘Normally, we suck your blood. Now we want the gizzards as well. And do you really need all those ribs?’
Bligh denied making a maniacal laugh. ‘I just have a pinky stuck in my throat,’ she said.